MIGHTY MUGGS Captain America

Those of you who read this have probably deduced by now that THE EVALUATOR is really just a kid at heart. Thus it shouldn't surprise you that this week I'm reviewing a toy.
It's an action figure - sorta.
A very adorable action figure.
Yes, it's Captain America from hasbro's new line of MIGHTY MUGGS; highly stylized, cute, stubby action figures. Hasbro has a whole bunch of these cuddly little dudes, including some from Star Wars and Indiana Jones (Check out Lando and Chewbacca, they look so damn happy) (OOOO! and look at Count Dooku, he's got adorable force lightning!) but when I saw Cap at my local Target I just had to pick one up.

I'll get to the review in a moment, but first a little history. If you're a normal person with normal interests than you probably know nothing about the designer toy craze of the past few decades. See a while back some artists got together and said "Let's make some toys! But to make sure they're still art, we can't let anyone have fun with them so we'll make like 20 at a time and charge hundreds of dollars for them." And so they did. And people who really should've known better spent hundreds of dollars on angry purple rabbits made of vinyl. Anyhow hasbro's MIGHTY MUGGS seem to be emulating the style of these designer toys. But instead of being made in limited numbers and only sold in exclusive stores, these toys are made in China by the millions and sold at Target. Frankly I couldn't be happier about this.

See that? That's as happy as I ever get.

Anyhow on to the evaluation. Under most circumstances, there's really only one factor that I judge action figures by: pose-ability. I don't care how many ninja weapons it comes with, if it doesn't have knees, I'm not buying it. With only three joints, my MIGHTY MUGGS Captain America is only slightly more posable than the average pepper grinder. Nonetheless, I was pleasantly surprised by the number of emotive stances I found I could put Cap in.

Here's Cap READY FOR ACTION!











Cap DEFIANTLY BLOCKING SOMETHING WITH HIS UNBREAKABLE SHIELD!










Cap CONFIDENTLY ADVANCING ON AN ENEMY!

and








Cap PONDERING SOMETHING!!!


These poses only work because of Captain America's indisputable charm. Clearly the best part of the any MIGHTY MUGG is their mug. I mean just look at Cap's face, it's spot on. A perfect mix of anger and grim determination. It's the face of someone ready to defend the shit out of the American Way.

So ultimately with MIGHTY MUGGS, you're paying 10 bucks for an adorable paperweight. But that being said, cuteness is quite the commodity these days, I think MIGHTY MUGGS are worth the cash.

And guys, these MIGHTY MUGGS will go over much better with the ladies than your other figures. Consider this scenario:

Attractive Female Coworker enters your cubicle and sees an Incredible Hulk action figure on your desk.
Attractive Female Coworker: "Oh hey, I didn't know you were twelve years old! That's fascinating. How ever do you keep your ADD in check long enough to get any work done? Oh what's this? Little (your first name here) looks displeased. Here you go dear child, have a juice box and have fun with your toys."

That could've gone better, let's see the next one.

Attractive Female Coworker enters your cubicle and sees a MIGHTY MUGGS Incredible Hulk action figure on your desk.
Attractive Female Coworker: "D'AWWWWWWWWWW WOOK AT DAH WIDDLE HULK. HE'S SOOOO ADORABLE! WOOK AT HIS WIDDLE ANGWY FACE. SEX ME NOW (your first name here)!!!"

Ok MIGHTY MUGGS probably won't get you laid. But they are pretty damn fun even though you can't actually do anything with them.

EVALUATOR BREAKDOWN (of Captain America figure)

Pros:

• IT'S FUCKING CAPTAIN AMERICA
• Steve Roger's chin is sufficiently large and imposing
• The ears are especially adorable
• AMERICAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Cons:

• CAN'T. MOVE. LEGS. (I don't really know that I want to move the legs, it might take make the figure less effective adorable-wise, but a waist joint would be mighty nice)
• UNBREAKABLE SHIELD ACTUALLY SHITTY PLASTIC
• Some minor coloration flaws (goddamn Chinese)
• DOES NOT ACTUALLY FIGHT CRIME (I have this problem with all of my figures....*sigh*)
• MIGHTY MUGGS might have jeopardized my life savings with their cuteness.

Final Verdict: I'm buying Thor next, then Dr. Doom, then Wolverine, then The Thing, then maybe a Storm Trooper (because he has the eyes of a killer). I might even get Dr. Henry Jones from the Indiana Jones set just because I've always wanted a tiny Sean Connery with a giant head that watches me work (wook at his widdle hat!). Also if they come out with Watchmen MIGHTY MUGGS, I'm getting like two of each. Seriously.

AMERICAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

DBZ Tree of Might

Hello readers, you should know that THE EVALUATOR has been on something of a nostalgia trip this summer. There's very little crime to be fought here *CENSORED* New Mexico. Thus I find myself reliving aspects of my childhood using youtube, the newly discovered netflix, and a sizable collection of VHS tapes.
Sometimes these forays into the past remain thoroughly entertaining (The Rescuers Down Under). In other instances, the passage of time has not been kind.

The subject of today's review falls firmly into the latter category. Dragon Ball Z The Movie: Tree of Might is one of several movies to come out of the extravagantly popular Dragon Ball Z franchise.
If you've been living under a rock for some decades, or are perhaps a 65 year old woman who never had children, I'll give a short summary. Dragon Ball Z is a Japanese animated tv show where dudes with super powers beat the shit out of aliens and some other stuff. The show is famous/infamous for having entire episodes devoted to guys doing nothing but yelling and flexing their whole bodies while on fire.

Anyhow, I was a fan of the show as a wee lad, and not wanting to spend my next 3 years of netflix subscriptions on the 500-some odd episodes that made up DBZ, I opted for one of the, not really feature length, films.

A few days later, Tree of Might arrived in the mail. And to make a long review short, here's what went down:

What I expected:

What I got:

Yes, Tree of Might proved to be something of a borefest, with most of the movie being devoted to scenes from nature and extremely un-entertaining hijinks involving a pet dinosaur.
Theres really only like two fight scenes, and these are quite brief and anticlimactic. Tree of Might also gave way too much screen time to characters I dislike. I won't name any names here but one of them is a talking pig.
I mean just look at this Toonami promo. It makes it look so awesome! But then again, Toonami promos could make even the dumbest shit look super cool.
Anyway, it's not all bad I guess...let's break it down.

Pros:

• Some cool badguys
• Was not interrupted by lame Esurance commercials
  
• Didn't give me a seizure
• Has a big-ass tree...if you're into that kinda thing
  

Cons:

• Not enough ass-stompin
• Vague Environmentalist Themes
• Too much stupid
  

Final Verdict: Ultimately there's only like 12 seconds of truly awesome action in an hour long "movie". Youtube the cool parts if you feel the need and move on with your life.


...god, that movie was so underwhelming I couldn't even write a very funny blog about it

DYMO LetraTag QX50

The DYMO LetraTag QX50 label maker

I'll be honest with you consumers. THE EVALUATOR had never used an electronic label-maker until the QX50, I am thus in no position to say that it is the pinnacle of labeling technology. Even if I did the research, bought dozens of different types of label makers and found one to be their undisputed champion, few people would give a shit. There is a very tiny fraction of society that requires professional labels. Most normal people just get by with masking tape and sharpies, or they just remember where their crap is.

But this is a review after all, and if you are going to get an electronic label-maker, I'm assuming you could do worse than the QX50. I mean, just look at its website Surely these are the kinds of features that make label enthusiasts (Anal-retentive people) splooge themselves. I mean "Built-in memory saves last label?" That is so inconceivably helpful! "Well I wasn't sure if I'd labeled the accounts payable folder yet, but when I turned on the QX50 it turned out I had. Thank goodness for technology. I might have labeled accounts payable twice *shudder*."

Even with all of these staggering features, the QX50 is quite simple to use and has given THE EVALUATOR no problems. But again, why should anyone care?

Well, you may not yet know this but you can make humorous labels using a label-maker. For instance, just imagine all the possibilities of a label that said "COCK." You could slap one of those almost anywhere and it would instantly be funny. But you're not limited to using single words! You could make a humorous Pulp Fiction reference:
Or you could just make lots of toilet and sex jokes.

Label-makers can be hours of fun, in much the same way that text-to-speech programs can be hours of fun.

But with the QX50, you can put more than mere words on your labels. It also provides a set of useful symbols to make the labels more identifiable (or more hilarious). Why just write BUTTSEX, when you can write BUTTSEX with a happy face and a thumbs-up at the end?

Final Verdict:
If you and two of your friends are bored and you don't want to see the latest blockbuster for the third time, you could all go in together on a QX50 label-maker for about the same price (maybe even cheaper if you were thinking about purchasing an icee and some skittles) and have literally hours of fun involving lighthearted vandalism.

Pros:

• The thing makes labels
• Mildly amusing symbols
• You can make it print a label that says "THE OWNER OF THIS NOTEBOOK LOVES THE COCK"

Cons:

• Can't make glow in the dark labels
• Is ultimately only as funny as you make it
• Is not an automatic label gun like in that one episode of Dexter's Lab. That shit was awesome.

Veritas Pocket Screwdriver

The Veritas Pocket Screwdriver


Today, THE EVALUATOR is reviewing the Veritas Pocket Screwdriver. A device that is both moderately nifty and moderately useless. As you can see, the product in question is a little washer-like thing with an edge that varies in width to fit different screw sizes.
You can read all about this and other super fascinating aspects of the Pocket Screwdriver here

That's all fine and good, but I really don't see the market here. The site says "We sell them by the dozen because they make excellent gifts." But gifts for who? Ultimately there are only two kinds of people in the world: People who drive lots of screws, and people who enjoy the Bravo network. You wouldn't give these as a gift to the first group because they have actual screw drivers with handles n' shit, that are much more useful than the Pocket Screwdriver. And you wouldn't give them to the latter group because they are all too busy watching Project Runway to care that the blade on the hand plane that they assuredly don't own needs to be adjusted.

Honestly I got my Pocket Screwdriver from a friend who bought a dozen and then didn't know what to do with the other 11. I don't even know what to do with my one Pocket Screwdriver. I've used it exactly never. It just sits in my keychain next to the key for my lock to my bike that got stolen. It's just another painful reminder of how un-handy I am and how much I enjoy Top Chef

FINAL VERDICT: The website for the Pocket Screwdriver says " These screwdrivers should be in every kitchen knife drawer and pocket." But you know what I have in my pockets? SPARE CHANGE which works just as well. And you know what I have in my kitchen drawer? BUTTER KNIVES which work just as well. Bottom line, if you get this as a gift, there's an outside chance that you might one day use it for it's intended purpose, but don't actually buy any of the damn things.

Pros:

• Made in the U.S.A.! Thank Jesus Christ that my Pocket Screwdriver isn't made by commies
  
• It has a hole so you can use it as a monocle or put it on a keychain

Cons:

• Will really only work on about 20% of flathead screws
  
• 9 bucks for 12? really? You know I can get an equal number of equally useful pennies for...oh 12 cents?
  

Sioux City Sarsaparilla

For my first evaluation, THE EVALUATOR will review Sioux City Sarsaparilla.


This sarsaparilla claims to be "The Grandaddy of all Root Beers." It is a tag line that is not without merit. Sioux City Sarsaparilla has a taste all its own. It cleanses the pallet while refreshing everything else. Really, it's like mother's milk...Provided your mother was a Hooker in Tombstone Arizona in the 1860's and your father was a renowned cattle rustler who had lost most of his left arm to a Lynx.

This is a manly drink to say the least. I mean, just look at the bottle. Every bottle of Sioux City Sarsaparilla has a picture of a cowboy confidently entering a saloon, clearly looking for a refreshing drink followed swiftly by a refreshing bar brawl.

If I had to pick just 3 soft drinks to buy for the rest of my life, this would certainly be one of them (I would also need an above average lemon/lime soda, and perhaps a cola of some sort).



Time for a breakdown
Pros:

• IT'S FUCKIN' YUMMY
• THERE'S A GODDAMN COWBOY ON EVERY BOTTLE
• SAM ELLIOTT ORDERS IT IN THE BIG LABOWSKI
  
• I LOVE IT

Cons:

• It's kinda hard to find generally
• They won't let me buy it by the truckload
  

FINAL VERDICT: Drink this stuff