DYMO LetraTag QX50

The DYMO LetraTag QX50 label maker

I'll be honest with you consumers. THE EVALUATOR had never used an electronic label-maker until the QX50, I am thus in no position to say that it is the pinnacle of labeling technology. Even if I did the research, bought dozens of different types of label makers and found one to be their undisputed champion, few people would give a shit. There is a very tiny fraction of society that requires professional labels. Most normal people just get by with masking tape and sharpies, or they just remember where their crap is.

But this is a review after all, and if you are going to get an electronic label-maker, I'm assuming you could do worse than the QX50. I mean, just look at its website Surely these are the kinds of features that make label enthusiasts (Anal-retentive people) splooge themselves. I mean "Built-in memory saves last label?" That is so inconceivably helpful! "Well I wasn't sure if I'd labeled the accounts payable folder yet, but when I turned on the QX50 it turned out I had. Thank goodness for technology. I might have labeled accounts payable twice *shudder*."

Even with all of these staggering features, the QX50 is quite simple to use and has given THE EVALUATOR no problems. But again, why should anyone care?

Well, you may not yet know this but you can make humorous labels using a label-maker. For instance, just imagine all the possibilities of a label that said "COCK." You could slap one of those almost anywhere and it would instantly be funny. But you're not limited to using single words! You could make a humorous Pulp Fiction reference:
Or you could just make lots of toilet and sex jokes.

Label-makers can be hours of fun, in much the same way that text-to-speech programs can be hours of fun.

But with the QX50, you can put more than mere words on your labels. It also provides a set of useful symbols to make the labels more identifiable (or more hilarious). Why just write BUTTSEX, when you can write BUTTSEX with a happy face and a thumbs-up at the end?

Final Verdict:
If you and two of your friends are bored and you don't want to see the latest blockbuster for the third time, you could all go in together on a QX50 label-maker for about the same price (maybe even cheaper if you were thinking about purchasing an icee and some skittles) and have literally hours of fun involving lighthearted vandalism.

Pros:

• The thing makes labels
• Mildly amusing symbols
• You can make it print a label that says "THE OWNER OF THIS NOTEBOOK LOVES THE COCK"

Cons:

• Can't make glow in the dark labels
• Is ultimately only as funny as you make it
• Is not an automatic label gun like in that one episode of Dexter's Lab. That shit was awesome.

Veritas Pocket Screwdriver

The Veritas Pocket Screwdriver


Today, THE EVALUATOR is reviewing the Veritas Pocket Screwdriver. A device that is both moderately nifty and moderately useless. As you can see, the product in question is a little washer-like thing with an edge that varies in width to fit different screw sizes.
You can read all about this and other super fascinating aspects of the Pocket Screwdriver here

That's all fine and good, but I really don't see the market here. The site says "We sell them by the dozen because they make excellent gifts." But gifts for who? Ultimately there are only two kinds of people in the world: People who drive lots of screws, and people who enjoy the Bravo network. You wouldn't give these as a gift to the first group because they have actual screw drivers with handles n' shit, that are much more useful than the Pocket Screwdriver. And you wouldn't give them to the latter group because they are all too busy watching Project Runway to care that the blade on the hand plane that they assuredly don't own needs to be adjusted.

Honestly I got my Pocket Screwdriver from a friend who bought a dozen and then didn't know what to do with the other 11. I don't even know what to do with my one Pocket Screwdriver. I've used it exactly never. It just sits in my keychain next to the key for my lock to my bike that got stolen. It's just another painful reminder of how un-handy I am and how much I enjoy Top Chef

FINAL VERDICT: The website for the Pocket Screwdriver says " These screwdrivers should be in every kitchen knife drawer and pocket." But you know what I have in my pockets? SPARE CHANGE which works just as well. And you know what I have in my kitchen drawer? BUTTER KNIVES which work just as well. Bottom line, if you get this as a gift, there's an outside chance that you might one day use it for it's intended purpose, but don't actually buy any of the damn things.

Pros:

• Made in the U.S.A.! Thank Jesus Christ that my Pocket Screwdriver isn't made by commies
  
• It has a hole so you can use it as a monocle or put it on a keychain

Cons:

• Will really only work on about 20% of flathead screws
  
• 9 bucks for 12? really? You know I can get an equal number of equally useful pennies for...oh 12 cents?
  

Sioux City Sarsaparilla

For my first evaluation, THE EVALUATOR will review Sioux City Sarsaparilla.


This sarsaparilla claims to be "The Grandaddy of all Root Beers." It is a tag line that is not without merit. Sioux City Sarsaparilla has a taste all its own. It cleanses the pallet while refreshing everything else. Really, it's like mother's milk...Provided your mother was a Hooker in Tombstone Arizona in the 1860's and your father was a renowned cattle rustler who had lost most of his left arm to a Lynx.

This is a manly drink to say the least. I mean, just look at the bottle. Every bottle of Sioux City Sarsaparilla has a picture of a cowboy confidently entering a saloon, clearly looking for a refreshing drink followed swiftly by a refreshing bar brawl.

If I had to pick just 3 soft drinks to buy for the rest of my life, this would certainly be one of them (I would also need an above average lemon/lime soda, and perhaps a cola of some sort).



Time for a breakdown
Pros:

• IT'S FUCKIN' YUMMY
• THERE'S A GODDAMN COWBOY ON EVERY BOTTLE
• SAM ELLIOTT ORDERS IT IN THE BIG LABOWSKI
  
• I LOVE IT

Cons:

• It's kinda hard to find generally
• They won't let me buy it by the truckload
  

FINAL VERDICT: Drink this stuff